Sunday, June 16, 2013

On Father's Day



Five years and a month back
I lived,
In and out of love,
Love,
Which much to my chagrin
Would not spread 
Over my head in a continuum.

I was needed
But not so much,
I was loved
But never so much

The longing
Shadowed the moons
Of brightest nights
And clouds
Felt hanging in the cleanest skies.

The journey of centuries
Which traversed,
Across several births
Gasped and limped,
With broken breath
And battered soul.

And then
Five years and a month back
A head with scant hairs
Looked at me
With barely open 
Blue eyes.
I dropped
A finger towards you
And your soft, pink, palm
Cuddled over it,
Securing it 
As a comforting coast 
Does to the anchor 
Of a tired ship.

We went on walks
While you 
Smiled and scared back 
Like a little Buddha 
In the small bed of yours
Set in the stroller,
In the park and
You saw the ducks
For the first time,
And with you
I evidenced life for the first time,
Drunk in our firsts, 
We smiled as friends.

You would walk
Holding my hands
With uncertain steps
Joining the larger humanity
As a new entrant
Breaking off from 
The fraternity of toy hood 
To which you seemed to belong.

As the novelty of walks waned
You would hang by my being
Begging to be picked
And once picked
Would beg to sit on the shoulder.
Over the years
A certain deftness and dexterity 
You have earned
As you would swiftly 
Climb through the lap to the  
Shoulder,
No longer needing to 
Balance yourself by pulling on my hair.

I remember that pulling of my hairs, 
Which you no longer need
To resort to,
And dread the day
When I won't 
Even have your weight on my shoulders 
As you will grow
Too big 
And I will grow too feeble
And as the circle completes
We will go back to our first connect
When those tiny, pink palms
Cuddled my finger,
And like a weary voyager
I will rest my heavy head
In your lap,
And close my eyes
Watching 
You someday holding
Your finger
To another pink, little palm.


       - (c) Saket, 16th of June, 2013

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Surviving Betrayal in Friendship and Love

Wings in Solitude Courtesy: PS Extreme -Wallpaper

It is not easy to survive a betrayal. It pushes the knife into your heart and then twists it for the assurance of a perfect kill. If the repeat acts of failed trust hurt more, it is the absurdity on your part of setting yourself as a sitting duck, twice in a row, which hurts more. You feel let down by yourself as your own intellect mocks your judgement. One can survive lack of intellect, but to live with a mocking intellect, an intellect which blames you for bringing it insult and ignominy is utter despair. Wasn't the intellect always telling you that you can not be friends with people who are not free? 


A man, who is not free is not a man of integrity. What choice does he have, one may argue. It is not the question of what choice he has, it is the question of what choice you have. It is your own solemn responsibility to protect your self. You can not pass it on the one who perpetrates a nasty cut and looks at you with all his teeth gnashing. You look at him with the astonishment of a falling Ceaser and mutter in your breath,"Et Tu, Brutus?". But why do you say that? what good will it serve? You want to recall the nobility in your killer while you die. 

It is not he who has failed you. He has performed to the best of what he was supposed to be. He has rose to his excellence, his excellence was in the final at of betrayal. Yours was not to fall victim, you have fallen short of your being. You had the intelligence to foresee what was to befall on to you, and you chose to ignore it. You longed to be friends and you surrendered to the pangs of loneliness and allowed friendship to substitute your own judgement.As we grow older, isn't there a very lonely corner in our heart which finds home, which grows and grows threatening to engulf our very being and we desperately try to fill it up with those who do not deserve your kindness, let alone your friendship? You tried to wake nobility up where it was long dead. There was dust on the face of nobility. 

Not all men are victim of circumstances, we, more often than not, make the circumstances in which we thrive. Isn't it for such times that Nietzsche wrote,"Flee my friends,Flee to your solitude! I see you deafened by the noise of great men, and stung all over with the stings of the little ones...Where solitude ends, market place begins?."
We chose our circumstances, some people chose their ignoble existence and you can not invoke nobility in the heart where it is long dead. They look at your nobility with mockery, and examine your kindness with suspicion. The humane in them is long since dead, and they carry the dead, cold tomb of kindness in their heart. The stench rises time and again from their dead hearts, which Tennessee Williams termed as smell of mendacity, which he says is stronger then any other smell. The cold is so deep in their nature that warmest of the gesture can not melt it and they carry their ice-knife hid in their sleeves ready to slice your heart away. 
You have to get away from the squalor and rise to the peace. I suggest, the following to myself and to you.

Seven Steps to survive and avoid betrayal:
1. Do not be captive to your own nobility. Not all deserve your love. Do not be a compulsive do-gooder. Do not be a compulsive anything, it demonstrates frailty of human mind.

2. Do not be friends to someone who has no love for you. For someone who looks at you as a tool, an equipment, be that, an unfeeling, cold, hard piece of equipment, which hurts the toe when it falls on the feet. Do not comfort them with a feeling of kindness, maintain the uneasiness which they felt when they first sighted your straight-forward strength. 

3. Do not mentor them, try to invoke nobility in them. It is not asleep in them, it is long dead, killed by their ambition and selfishness. By offering to mentor, you are opening yourself to ridicule if unsuccessful and to damage if you are successful, by creating a monster, with strength same as yours but without your prudence.

4. Keep check on your intent to selflessness. Selflessness is over-rated, and a friend wrote recently, because it is rare. It carried a great truth and great insight. By offering selflessness without a check, we reduce the value of it and open it to public shame and private mockery.

5. Teach yourself solitude. It is sweet, it is understanding and it never betrays. It is the calm breeze which flows over your weary forehead as you lie on the hills where the wind flows in whispers through tall glass blades. Friendship, just as love, will seek you and find you from your solitude. Still, never abandon solitude, let be one of the deserving friends who reach out to you. Do not argue and struggle against it, hold its hands and sit in silence. Liberty lies not in struggle with solitude but in surrender to solitude. In solitude we discover ourselves.

6. All men are not equal. Some men are better men than others and by treating all men equal you are being unkind to those who are better. It takes courage and some amount of self-inflicted pain, to reach a certain degree of nobility. That nobility needs to be honored, and ought not be treated at par with many-too-many. Being kind to all defeats the principles of Justice and what can not be just can not be good. 

7. Spare your soul and spare your time for those who are truly deserving of your love. They are looking for you- your kindred souls and will reach you in time. You can not hurry love, it will find you in time when you are ripe for it. All else is a wait. Try not to fill up the wait with undignified eagerness, help to ripen yourself up.Polish the dust off the edges of your soul and be the love that you strive to obtain. After that you will strive no more, it will come to you, searching for you, calling for you like a long-lost friend, by a name that you have long forgotten.




Friday, May 31, 2013

Book Review- Heart of Darkness- Joseph Conrad

 
Heart of Darkness (1899)
Joseph Conrad
It takes courage to pick up a book by someone who is as celebrated as Joseph Conrad, who is something like a high priest of English Literature. It takes an amazingly strong writing to elevate a simple tale to the high pedestal of folklore, good enough to survive the unkind winds of changing centuries. Writing is a delicate art and takes a great amount of hard work, and extraordinary dose of talent to become a writer worthy of being called such. It is as easily likely to be a grossly misused term by lesser mortals like this blogger. Just as man has a natural faculty to speak, it does not make him a speaker, a natural faculty to write trivialities does not qualifies one to be a writer. It is not about vocabulary, a fertile imagination to create complex constructs. It is all those things and a bit more as Authors like Somerset Maugham, Mark Twain and Joseph Conrad tells us. These greats spread so wide across the spectrum in terms of style that it becomes impossible for an aspirant like yours truly to theorize and build a pattern which one may ape and try to get a hint of greatness in our writings.
 
It is a string of various pearls, from the no frills, simplistic writings of Maugham on one end, to the brilliantly adorned-by-metaphor writing of Nietzsche to the poetic and almost lyrical writing of Joseph Conrad. Only thing which connects the various and varied writing styles is the honesty which runs like a common thread.Joseph Conrad, the Polish author was borne in 1857, as India went through the throes of first battle for freedom and the great Mughal, fought their last battle to a definitive loss. While British set out to define colonial rule in India, Joseph Conrad breathed first to write this book of the continuous struggle between Colonial greed and Native way of life.
 
This is not the book to be lightly read. This does not imply however that this book is heavy in a sense of being boring or ancient in the feel. On the contrary, this is a book to seduce, mesmerise and captivate you and you have to let it. It is like the first shower of rain after an angry summer, which suddenly appears surprising all the nearly identical weather bulletins in a hot afternoon.If you try to run away from it, hide from the rain, it will bother you to no end and wreck your nerves, particularly as you try to hide you find no shelter within reach. But then what you can do is surrender to the beauty of the change of weather and soak in the sweet smell of rain falling on the parched Earth. That is how this book is to be read. You do not analyze it, nor do you rush through it. It is prose masquerading as Poetry or poetry breathing through the paragraphs as a soul in the body of a prose. You ought to let your soul soak in the beauty of the language.

The words though lovely and mesmerizing are too honest and innocent, which do not work too hard to grab your attention, but pleases you with their aptness. When he begins the narrative with "We looked at the venerable stream not in the vivid flush of a short day that comes and departs for ever, but in the august light of abiding memories." Who does not find the reflection of our own thoughts in a statement like that.
 
Charles Marlow, the narrator and chief protagonist of the book is set about by a company, which is into ivory trading, to ship to Congo River, to a country of savages as colonists would look at the natives. He is sent out to look for a Mr. Kurtz who is a company agent stationed there. The author speaks through Marlow and the gems of his exemplary command over the language shines with amazing brilliance as he writes about Kurtz. Young Marlow set about to the station commanded by Kurtz with very high expectations and high opinion of Mr. Kurtz. The image thus formed is quick to fall flat as Marlow comes to discover Kurtz on reaching the station as a mean person, too ordinary to the grand expectation Marlow had set on Kurtz. He concludes about Mr. Kurtzs based on his interaction with people at the station, with a rare eloquence,"The wilderness had found him early, and taken on him a terrible vengeance for the fantastic invasion. (I think)it had whispered to him things about himself which he did not know, thing of which he had no conception till he took counsel with this great solitude-and the whisper had proved irresistibly fascinating. It echoed loudly within him because he was hollow at the core." Hollow at the core- the phrase stays with you and hangs like a dark cloud on your head as you examine your own life and your own heart. That is the true power of language. That is the purpose of language, to express what is most difficult to express and Conrad sets an unsurpassable standard for expression. In Maugham, characters grown into expressions, in Conrad, expression grows into character.
 
The young Marlow finds Kurtz, a fallen man and struggles with the collapse of romantic illusions. He is confused as any young man is, who, as he grows, finds all those he kept on high pedestals falling to be mere mortals. He is a confused man and confesses,"If anyone had ever struggled with a soul, I am the man." His is left with his faith shattered and no explanation helps at such times, "No eloquence could have been so withering to one's belief in mankind as his final burst of sincerity."
 
Darkness is a perpetual theme through the story. The landscape is of the earth where sun shines ever so dimly. The feel and strength of the language carries you to such a land, of savages and Pilgrims who work for the company and trees are wild and light is rare. The darkness deepens with the encounter with Kurtz, and is almost complete when Conrad writes,"His was an impenetrable darkness. I looked at him as you peer down at a man who is lying at the bottom of a precipice where the sun never shines."
 
Marlow reaches back to the civilization leaving behind dead Kurtz but is smitten by then by the wild. He resents being back in the city. The city remains same today as it was then in the beginning of Twentieth century, "People hurrying through the streets to filch a little money from each other, to devour their infamous cookery, to gulp their unwholesome beer, to dream their insignificant and silly dreams. They trespassed upon my thoughts. They were intruders whose knowledge of life was to me an irritating pretense." The bitterness flows through the air and slowly enters your breathing, the hatred for what we call civilization and the longing for the pure, the true, the earthy honesty of savagery. He carries the document which Kurtz shared with him, meets the girl, who Kurtz described with so many "My". Conrad is never short of words, he builds people with words, "(She) carried her sorrowful head as though she were proud of that sorrow, as though she would say, I-I alone know how to mourn for him as he deserves." There is a turn, a very mild turn in the end as the girl asks about Kurtz's last word. There is no earth-shattering shock in the lie which Marlow tells, as he tells the girl that Kurtz spoke her name as he died, in stead of the actual utterance,"the horror, the horror". Author does not explain why Marlow lied, but you somehow feel that it is not to glorify the dead or the protect the feeling of the living love; you feel it is because Marlow discovers sudden connect with the dead man on account of common savagery and wilderness through which they lived together for some time. It is in that savagery they discover camaraderie.
 
The language is enchanting and the book, little dark, takes you into a a realm of high literature. If you love words, you will love this book. After all, how often do you read sentences like,"This was the expression of some sort of belief; it had candor, it had conviction, it had a vibrating note of revolt in its whisper, it had the appalling face of a glimpsed truth- the strange commingling of desire" It is like ornamental designs delicately drawn on marble in the Taj, one sentence inter-mingled with others. Some people mention they got introduced with this book in literature classes as a lesson on how not to write, not to write such long-winded, verbose sentences. Which is a truth, you must not write such sentences, if you are Maugham or Hemingway, at least not when you are not Joseph Conrad. But then I then have another lament, where do we have literature classes. Not in India, where every man or woman of intellect is to be Doctor or Engineer and pursuing literature is more often than not is a mark of failed intellect. We are missing so much, and when you read Heart of Darkness, you feel how dark our lives would be if not for the brilliance of books as these. For the love of words, please read this book, as a reader, you learn life, as a writer, your learn life..and writing. This is small book of 70 pages, but what power. This was my first book by him (going back to my lament, it is common for young men in India of average intellect to move away from literature and focus on Resnick and Halliday-Physics), but definitely swayed by a captivating language, I am going to read everything with his name on it. It is

Rating- Inspiring/ Amazing/ Brilliant/Mediocre/Avoidable- Inspiring, Amazing, Brilliant

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Some Stray and Broken Thoughts- Poems on Weekend

This weekend, the mind is numb and heart is beating with some heaviness. The skies are unkind and the weather is unforgiving. Wrote some poems today, which I am putting here as this week's post.

A Noisy Silence
A silence
So loud
Hangs in the room
That it
Pierces through the hearing
And in the din of it
Drowns all
The soft and mild
Whispers of sweet love.


A Gift to be Earned

Love,
is not a divine entitlement.
The very idea of
love\

on account of being what you are
is flawed.
It is a right to be earned
you need to
struggle,
Get cleansed and grow,
into better being,
... Else it is all
narcissism
or sheer stupidity.


It is everything
but love,
admiration, infatuation
anything, but love.

(c) Saket Suryesh


Apart from this, a Short Story, Betrayed by Time got a life today, which I will share in following week. This is the second short story I wrote, after The Death of a Soldier which I wrote some time back.
 

Cheeky Quotes

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