2nd of June, 2008- Monday

Nonu, is now sixteen days old. How much I would have loved to write this as a testimonial to the changes my life and our lives, that is mine and seema's life has been witnessing of late. Not from the day the lovely eyes looked at me, from a toothless face on 16th of May, 2008, captivating my heart to a limit that not to break down and cry in that moment of weakness was one of the most difficult challenge I had faced in my life, but rather from the last Janmasthami, on 17th of August, 2007, the day when what started out as a feeble trace of life, turned out to be the most powerful menifestation of all my thoughts, dreams and ideas.

How with immense affection I had watched Sonu's bump appear, her walk which I had always loved, ever so graceful, turn penguin like, and after a while could feel a small being, kicking from inside her tummy playfully, and so secure in the knowledge of being loved and protected. For good thirty five years of my life, all the efforts and activities were so much focussed on my own well being, interest and advancements, and in one moment when one tiny hand held my finger will all its strength, all my needs necessities, needs and wants, became subservient to that little angel, who I held so close to my chest for the first time on 16th of May, at 8.15 Night, very briefly, with a lot of love and tenderness, all that I could bring into my cumbersome existence, and I really felt, if it were not for the love of this little bundle of joy in my arms, I would have loved to get my own self sacrificed to the Gods whatever there may who made this possible, in the face of all nay- sayers.

Then playfully, as if to test the love and the strength of endurance, two days after being brought home, Nonu was detected with Jaundice, which had gone beyond safe limit. The cloudy whether which came down in the summer month of May, as if to welcome Nonu, while came as a respite to us, affected her as she was taken in to the hospital. Recover, she did, but only after swiftly making me realize the anguish and helplessness that is inherent to being a parent and watching the kid in pain. I remember the pain I felt as she was poked for blood test in front of me, and I remember, the pain I felt at a sword cut on my forearm in one street fight, was nothing compared with that small needle in my babies forearm caused, may be , my parents would have felt the similar pain for me. I sometimes feel that species propogate not due to survival of the fittest, but due to this sense of love for the progeny. Sonu's parents came in yesterday, as Nonu brought in the first semblence of completeness in our lives as both our parents, cordially met up with each other, being civil and warm connected to each other by this little angel, who would just keep sleeping, and sometime will open eyes and look at up with utter boredome, as we grownups would try to decipher the meanings in the confused looks she gave to all us adults around. Could it be that such a small being who is seemingly so disinterested with all that is around, fill people's heart with so much of love that it overflows to touch all the surrounding lives. I still remember, when we took her to the doctor for her check up and I asked her if the baby can recognize me, her father, and on her unsubstantiated confirmation, I felt an immense sense of pride, like a poor villager suddenly gaining the acquaintance of the queen of the country. I read her horoscope, and while I have for all my life been interested in it, have never been affected by it. The word that she will be away from father love haunts me. I feel a sudden urge to get fit and strong for the sake of my baby and to be able to be around when she moves into the most interesting times of my life. Lord Shiva has changed the course of celestial movements to bless us with this child and He will do it once more to change this one thing in my angel's horoscope. At the end of this day, with lack of sleep and change of diaper, I feel so deeply connected to my own childhood and so immensely proud of my own parents for rising above their own being and extending arms, after years of being left along, I wish I could also similarly, rise above my own self, for the happiness of the baby, if possible without losing so many year of my life staying on the other side of love.