Last few days have been terrible. As I moved from a pure-play telecommunications vendor to my new role into an Information Technology major, I was expecting the days ahead to be full of splendor, vigor and happiness. I spent the last leg of my earlier employment with glorious lazing around at my parent's place with my little daughter in the two, as I tried to consume my pending leaves which never could earlier. There was a great part of day spent as an unhindered discussion between me and my daughter, under the bright sun in that small town near Ahmedabad. I tried to soak in the undivided attention that I got from my daughter possibly on account of non-availability of the second parent.
I came back while father complained of being unwell, initially assumed to be on account of stomach disorder. It was only few days later, and couple of days after my joining in to the new role in a new organization that the test reports came out with inference of kidney problem. For the first time in life, I came to know of something called serum creatinine, which was for him at that time around 4.48, and in the second test at a better reputed hospital in Ahmedabad at 5.3, much above the benign level of 1.4. To be very honest, I had very recently come across this term as I went in for my executive health check up and on insistence of my better half went in for something called CT Angiography, which required a clear Creatinine score. Never did I suspect that this is going to have such serious implication on the very life of a person. However, the Doctor there did convey a high degree of dysfunction, but at the same time offered some solace by intimating that it was only because of some infection or impact of his ongoing medicine for heart condition. The news immediately killed whatever spring in walk I had as I walked into the new office and dampened the usual initial froth of activity which generally marks my initial phase in any new job, as I rushed back home. People as usual would call up from extended family, some out of curiosity, some out of sheer need for some change in otherwise monotonous lives, some out of the feeling of an opportunity to sneer at the misfortune of a son not in a position of doing what was right and thus elevating their own selves to divine pedestals of ideal offsprings, and in some rare instances, out of concern. I brought them to the Delhi, with me, with a simmering hope that things will get better with time. Mother was fluctuating between the worry about the worst and the sudden flashes of happiness about suddenly being the center of discussion and getting so many calls of many people, considered long-forgotten.
Wife, deriving from the past and recent history, totally devoid of any forgiveness from any of the concerned, went into sulk as she did take the responsibility of creating a separate menu for my father. We went to one Doctor, a specialist, as he tried to scare us into getting father admitted to the hospital. However, I decided to once again go for a blood check to see the direction of movement of my new acquaintance, Serum Creatinine. My cousin from my father's side was there, without any directives on what I should be doing as a Son and any advise, but about what should be done about his health. The report, which came by evening was immediately a great relief as the Creatinine level went to 2.97. Emboldened by reducing levels of Cretinine, we stayed put at home with strict menu and continuing medicines. As things got better, things got worse. The old feeling of ill within the family immediately emerged as if it was never out of the house, but was rather hiding in the shadows in the face of the sudden misfortune.
Imaginary misgivings immediately emerged, as people started flocking to tell how in spite of all, all said and done, people should behave. I do seriously wonder, what their own position would be should their own daughters and sisters were subjected to it. My mother would, in spite of repeated learnings, never hesitate in being vocal about real and imagined misgivings with the extended family. She would do so in good hearing of all other people, and then expect things to improve. Why things should improve, what all you are doing is all you have been doing all these years? I wanted so urgently to ask. I would see my parents look at imagined things, talking and deliberating about them all the time and I would fail to comprehend the flawed belief of men in their own infallibility. Why is it so difficult to understand that time is but fleeting and the tap of life will run out of water any time, that it is absolutely against self-interest to keep thinking about people around us. To think of it, how rare and how few are the moments when we actually give time to think about ourselves and what great deal of time and energy is wasted in analyzing what other are doing and what they should be doing. Entangling your own life into any "Should be" is such a drainer of life, to entangle other peoples live into what they should be doing is utterly distasteful and even criminal, to those people and even to oneself. What is painful is how people waste moments and hours into deliberating over other people's real and imagined action when there is still so much to be happy and ecstatic about. There is a little daughter who in all her pink glory there bringing the smiles to peoples' face who is in anyway not restricted in her love for all those around her. Why someone's frown should carry more weight than the sweet smile of the little child?
The tense days are further weighted down by the cough in the night. In this misery, one beautiful incident which I shall always cherish my entire life is the night few days back. When I was up till two in the night as cough would not let me sleep in spite of the medicine and hot water. Suddenly, I could see my two and half year old waking up and sitting next to me. As she with delicate love, ran her sweet little palm across my forehead looking at my forehead. And then, with such sweet love she pulled the blanket over me, that I could not but slip into a peaceful sleep, thinking about, if there was any pain, any disgust, any anger, which can not be gestured by such sweet act of my little angel.
I came back while father complained of being unwell, initially assumed to be on account of stomach disorder. It was only few days later, and couple of days after my joining in to the new role in a new organization that the test reports came out with inference of kidney problem. For the first time in life, I came to know of something called serum creatinine, which was for him at that time around 4.48, and in the second test at a better reputed hospital in Ahmedabad at 5.3, much above the benign level of 1.4. To be very honest, I had very recently come across this term as I went in for my executive health check up and on insistence of my better half went in for something called CT Angiography, which required a clear Creatinine score. Never did I suspect that this is going to have such serious implication on the very life of a person. However, the Doctor there did convey a high degree of dysfunction, but at the same time offered some solace by intimating that it was only because of some infection or impact of his ongoing medicine for heart condition. The news immediately killed whatever spring in walk I had as I walked into the new office and dampened the usual initial froth of activity which generally marks my initial phase in any new job, as I rushed back home. People as usual would call up from extended family, some out of curiosity, some out of sheer need for some change in otherwise monotonous lives, some out of the feeling of an opportunity to sneer at the misfortune of a son not in a position of doing what was right and thus elevating their own selves to divine pedestals of ideal offsprings, and in some rare instances, out of concern. I brought them to the Delhi, with me, with a simmering hope that things will get better with time. Mother was fluctuating between the worry about the worst and the sudden flashes of happiness about suddenly being the center of discussion and getting so many calls of many people, considered long-forgotten.
Wife, deriving from the past and recent history, totally devoid of any forgiveness from any of the concerned, went into sulk as she did take the responsibility of creating a separate menu for my father. We went to one Doctor, a specialist, as he tried to scare us into getting father admitted to the hospital. However, I decided to once again go for a blood check to see the direction of movement of my new acquaintance, Serum Creatinine. My cousin from my father's side was there, without any directives on what I should be doing as a Son and any advise, but about what should be done about his health. The report, which came by evening was immediately a great relief as the Creatinine level went to 2.97. Emboldened by reducing levels of Cretinine, we stayed put at home with strict menu and continuing medicines. As things got better, things got worse. The old feeling of ill within the family immediately emerged as if it was never out of the house, but was rather hiding in the shadows in the face of the sudden misfortune.
Imaginary misgivings immediately emerged, as people started flocking to tell how in spite of all, all said and done, people should behave. I do seriously wonder, what their own position would be should their own daughters and sisters were subjected to it. My mother would, in spite of repeated learnings, never hesitate in being vocal about real and imagined misgivings with the extended family. She would do so in good hearing of all other people, and then expect things to improve. Why things should improve, what all you are doing is all you have been doing all these years? I wanted so urgently to ask. I would see my parents look at imagined things, talking and deliberating about them all the time and I would fail to comprehend the flawed belief of men in their own infallibility. Why is it so difficult to understand that time is but fleeting and the tap of life will run out of water any time, that it is absolutely against self-interest to keep thinking about people around us. To think of it, how rare and how few are the moments when we actually give time to think about ourselves and what great deal of time and energy is wasted in analyzing what other are doing and what they should be doing. Entangling your own life into any "Should be" is such a drainer of life, to entangle other peoples live into what they should be doing is utterly distasteful and even criminal, to those people and even to oneself. What is painful is how people waste moments and hours into deliberating over other people's real and imagined action when there is still so much to be happy and ecstatic about. There is a little daughter who in all her pink glory there bringing the smiles to peoples' face who is in anyway not restricted in her love for all those around her. Why someone's frown should carry more weight than the sweet smile of the little child?
The tense days are further weighted down by the cough in the night. In this misery, one beautiful incident which I shall always cherish my entire life is the night few days back. When I was up till two in the night as cough would not let me sleep in spite of the medicine and hot water. Suddenly, I could see my two and half year old waking up and sitting next to me. As she with delicate love, ran her sweet little palm across my forehead looking at my forehead. And then, with such sweet love she pulled the blanket over me, that I could not but slip into a peaceful sleep, thinking about, if there was any pain, any disgust, any anger, which can not be gestured by such sweet act of my little angel.
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